Hotaru's Guide to living with Setsuna, Haruka and Michiru
by coolcreate
Summary: Hotaru's crash course on being an Outer.
1. The Adventures of Drunk Setsuna!

Hi. My name is Tomoe Hotaru, and I currently live with three crazy people. Their names are Meioh Setsuna, Tenoh Haruka, and Kaioh Michiru. They have turned the house into an asylum. For starters, Setsuna has two jobs. She gets home from her _real_ _life_ job at 10 am. Then she transforms into Sailor Pluto and goes off for another 7 hours to guard the freaking Time Gate. Then she gets home and does a bunch of Setsuna things. Ya think she's a weirdo? Wait 'til you hear _this_. Setsuna-mama is over two thousand years old. Yet somehow she looks twenty. But what makes this family _insane_ is that even though Setsuna-mama is older than the human race, Michiru-mama and Haruka-papa (Who, by the way, is a girl) have mothered Setsuna ever since their bodies passed hers in age. But still, no matter what, Setsuna outweighs us in crankiness and maturity.

"STAY OUT OF MY STUFF YOU BAKA!"

Did I say maturity?

The person in Setsuna's stuff was Haruka. Haruka is professional racecar driver. And most people think she's a guy. Weird. Ever noticed that I used that word a lot when I describe the crazies? But Haruka's pretty damn cool. For the record, she's a lesbian and doesn't give a fig about what people think about it. And she's Sailor Uranus. She's also Christian and doesn't care whether the sermon on Sunday is hate. She just goes and gives the priest heck afterwards. It's pretty funny. Her significant other is Michiru.

MIchi's perfect. She was brought up by strictly traditional parents who believe all children should be well-mannered, well-educated, and be able to play the violin competitively at a young age. Thus, we have Michiru. Michi loves art, music, and cooking. I think her food's better than Usagi's mom's cooking. And I've tasted both. She's Sailor Neptune. No wonder.

"Hotaru-chan?"

"Yaa?"

"Can you, um, help me with something?"

"Mk. See you in my room."

"I'm comin'."

Haruka-papa entered the room I was supposed to be cleaning. She told me how un-thrilled she was about the state of my living space. Then she told me of the genius prank she was going to pull on Setsuna-mama. I told her she was going to be taking responsibility. She agreed. The prank involved Coke, a bottle of Amaretto and Setsuna-mama. I was going to get in _so_ much trouble. Sounded worth it.

Haruka-papa went in the kitchen to mix the alcohol. Next thing I knew, there was a drunk Setsuna-mama careening around the house. Whoopee.

And _of course_ there just had to be a knock at the door. And _of course,_ it just had to be the Inners, Chibiusa, and Mamoru. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

"I'll get it! You and 'Ruka deal with Setsuna!" Michiru-mama yelled

Michiru-mama opened the door.

"Hello! What brings you all here?"

"Nothing much. We just wanted to see how Puu's doing." Chibiusa replied.

"She's doing fine." Michiru said, shooting a glare at Haruka-papa. " 'Ruka just thought it would be funny to get her-" Michi-mama mimed drinking.

Minako and Usagi fell over laughing.

Ami and Makoto sweatdropped.

Mamoru was holding back laughter. And miserably failing.

Rei pulled her phone out of her pocket to record a video for future blackmail, but Makoto stopped her.

Chibiusa just looked around in confusion.

The night eventually escalated into a karaoke contest between the Inners and a heavily intoxicated Setsuna. Minako won. Setsuna passed out halfway through.

Then came the terrible hangover the next day.

 **TBC**

* * *

 ** **If you review, Ahsoka and Haruka will dress as fairies, come into your house at night, and give you the Garnet Rod they stole from a hungover Setsuna. They are not liable for any damage Setsuna may cause you and have not requested police protection.****


	2. The Adventures of Hungover Setsuna!

_Flashback_

 _Michiru: Not the vase, not the vase, not the vase, NOT THE… vase._

 _Setsuna: Whoopee! *Sticks tongue out* Ha! In your face, cucumbers!_

 _Haruka: Oh, %$# ... She really liked that vase… I'm dead._

 _End of ze flashback_

Me and Papa moaned in perfect two-part harmony. Saddled with babysitting duty of Miss Hungover while Michiru-mama went shopping to clear her head. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

Meanwhile, we could hear said person with hangover praying to the porcelain god, aka the toilet. Lovely. Just lovely.` And we were supposed to host Usagi's party today… wonderful. Of course, this put Haruka-papa in an even worse mood than before, because Setsuna-mama was supposed to buy decorations and cake and the such… but she was drunk last night. And now Haruka has to. She hates shopping.

 **A few hours later…**

Mama was asleep on the couch, remote in hand. She was watching, of all things, _Pretty Little Liars_. And they were just about to figure out who A was. It was kind of strange, but… well… Setsuna-mama is Setsuna-mama… and she was hungover. I sat down beside her and looked at the clock. Oh no. Nonononononono. It was 3:30 pm. Usagi's surprise party was at 5. And Mama Michiru was still out. Well, desperate times called for desperate measures, right? There went nothing.

"SETSUNA-MAMA! YOU NEED TO STOP TIME!"

Haruka-papa rushed down the stairs, henshin wand in hand. Mama shot upright and punched Papa in the face. She has a mean right hook. Right in the nose. Ow.

"HOTARU, WHAT IN THE NAME OF POTATOES DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!" They both screamed in unison.

In answer, I pointed to the clock.

"KAMI-SAMA!" Came the screams.

And so they rushed around the house chibi-style, preparing for Usagi's arrival.

Party streamers, a cake with a bunny on it, and lots of confetti. Ta-da! Instant party!

Setsuna sat down and grabbed a bottle of wine. She began to pour herself a glass, but Papa stopped her. She grabbed it, put it back, and grabbed a bottle of whiskey and two shot glasses.

She poured herself a drink and handed another to Mama.

 _Oh no… Not again._

 **Yup, that's it! Next time on Hotaru's Guide:**

 **A strange man is hobbling around the arena where Papa races, trying to hit on Michiru-mama! What should I do? I knew this was a bad idea… And what the heck's going on with Weissu-Weissu the goldfish? Find out next time on… Hotaru's Guide!**


	3. A Brief Interlude! A Day at the Stadium!

Hello. Now, you may be wondering, why isn't Hotaru narrating like usual, after all, is this story not called _Hotaru's_ Guide to living with Setsuna, Haruka, and Michiru? Allow me to answer that burning question of yours. It is Hotaru's day off, so I, Weissu-Weissu the goldfish, am your narrator today. I am brought everywhere with Hotaru, my loving caretaker, the Green-Haired Timekeeper, who feeds me when Hotaru is away, the Blonde Motoracer, who has no love for me, which I find disgusting, for I am adorable, and the Aquamarine Woodscreecher, who does not acknowledge my existence. Now let us get on with the story.

 _~HGLSHM~_

We sat on the bleachers, watching the Blonde Motoracer tear around in her death machine. I splashed around in my bowl, swimming in and out of my plastic castle, trying to get Hotaru to notice me. Of course, my efforts were to no avail as her sights were set on a strange man dressed in a torn red cape, button-down gray shirt, and pants. On his hip was a flask and some sort of sword. Of course, the Aquamarine Woodscreecher and Hotaru were immediately on alert, as the man may have been some time of youma. Was he? I do not know. And I never shall. But what happened next was incredibly un-youma like. The man walked up to the Woodscreecher and asked: "Hey, uh, have you seen a woman with black hair, a short red dress, a katana and a red and white mask hyped up on sugar and coffee that may or may not be a bandit running around?"

Aquamarine Woodscreecher shook her head. "Um, no. Why?"

"My sister can't have more than five sugars in her coffee before she goes ballistic," He said, looking around for the aforementioned sister. "Have ya seen her or what?"

"No."

"That's fine," He said. As he leaned closer, I could smell the scent of alcohol on his breath. How utterly revolting! A fine, cultured fish like me should not be exposed to such conditions. _Disgusting._ He winked at Woodscreecher. "Besides, that just leaves more time for us, if you get what I mean."

I watched, interested as to how the Woodscreecher would handle the situation. She leaned back, inching closer to Hotaru and I.

"I'm here with my kid, sir." Michiru (Is that Woodscreecher's name?) chuckled nervously.

"So? Summer and I babysat Firecracker and kissed."

"I'm a lesbian…"

"That's what she said."

"I'm in a relationship."

Just then, a yell of "I'll kill you, Tai!" interrupted the man's flirting. We all looked at the other end of the stadium and saw the woman the strangely-dressed man had described. She was attacking Blonde Motoracer. The man rubbed his temples and shouted "Raven, that's not Taiyang! Get back here!"

What humans would call a 'raspberry' and 'flipping the bird' followed in response.

"Ach, you'll be the death of me." The man ran toward Raven with his sword out and turned into a bird. Woodscreecher became Sailor Neptune and attacked him, and Motoracer became Sailor Uranus. They attacked both, but the estranged duo was able to deflect their attacks with their swords that were also guns. They fired back, and the man yelled "Portal!".

What could only be described as a corpulent red vortex opened up. The two hopped through, becoming birds as they went.

Motoracer and Woodscreecher stood with their mouths agape.

 _~HGLSHM~_

And so concludes our story today. This is Weissu-Weissu, your friendly neighbourhood goldfish narrator, signing off. I bid you farewell, and to leave the kindness of a review if you enjoyed my narrations of these events. Have a wonderful day!


End file.
